Real Mummy

The Culture of Pink

2008-09-20T18:38:00.000-07:00

Do you know how hard it is to find anything that isn't pink for your little girl? From day one girls are forced into the culture of ponies and fairies and pinkness. Parents become eager to buy into it too it seems, probably because it is what is deemed to be 'normal'.

Recently I stumbled on Heelarious, a site where you can purchase high heeled shoes (made of foam) for your newborn, to help them get that 'shoe fetish' underway. I can see the amusement factor in them. But mostly they just make me cringe.

Why? Because it is another step towards the indoctrination of the culture of pink.

The shoes, the clothes, the fantasy pink bedroom with the dreams of handsome princes, the bras and undies sets for tweenies, the early sexualisation of girls, the hero worship of such worthy icons as Paris Hilton, the springing up of Playboy shops (anyone want a t-shirt for their daughter with 'made for men's entertainment on it? No? Well actually, yes it would seem) and general acceptance of the Playboy label (bed linen for single beds in pink playboy bunnies - bought by parents for their young girls. Do they think it is funny?) are all part of the same thing.

It worries me that if you ask young girls who they admire and who they wish they could be like, they are likely to say Paris Hilton or someone similar. Children have always had dreams - there are plenty who would also say Hilary Duff or Miley Cyrus I am sure, at least they are dreaming there of being a singer or an actress. But we are creating a pathway that leads directly to a person who is famous for doing very little except being a society girl.

I am sure that Paris Hilton is in fact a perfectly intelligent person who does a lot of things behind the scenes. (Her recent video mocking the republican candidate points to a good wit). But it not those things that make little girls want to be her (and older girls attempt to be her).

Little girls can wear pink - and should wear pink if you want them to or they want to. There is nothing wrong with loving butterflies, and pinkness and fairies and castles and dreaming of girliness and having big eyes staring up at people. It jsut shouldnt be a career option.

No Sick Days in this Job

2008-08-27T01:21:00.001-07:00

Yup. Being a mum means no sick days. Even if you are a working mum and can send your child to the carer, chances are you still have to get them up, dressed and off to the carer before collapsing into bed. Even then you have probably already used all your sickdays taking care of your child when they have picked up yet another bug so you just keep on dragging yourself along to the office.

And if you are a SAHM then you have to suffer through the day with a little one who has no concept of 'not right now, mummy's sick'. Or doesn't understand why mummy has to have a coughing fit after reading every 5 words.

If you have it, this is a good time to draw on the support of friends and family - you get better a lot quicker if you can sleep a little extra, and eating decent regular meals helps too.

But basically, once children are here, you are years away from your next real sick day.

Spare the Rod

2008-08-23T14:07:00.000-07:00

It saddens me that there is a fairly decent sized group of people in New Zealand who think it is a worthwhile investment of their time and energy to attempt to get the repeal of section 59 overturned.

Just think what could really happen in society if those very people turned their time and energy to supporting the people who are identified as being at risk of child abuse. There could be mentor schemes set in place, where an at risk family is visited weekly by a normal family person. Not a social worker or other official, but a person who could model normal family behaviour. Perhaps that could make a difference? There are over 300,000 people who seem to think that the repeal of section 59 is not helping the child abuse statistics go down at all, that is an awful lot of families that could be matched.

But then again, perhaps matching an at risk family with someone who believes that parents need the right to physically punish their children is precisely what isn't needed.

If only the change in law had been matched with a huge advertising campaign and support for families in other methods of discipline as it was in Sweden, perhaps instead of facing a meaningless referendum (for neither main party sees any need to change the way it is now) we would be seeing the beginnings of a paradigm shift right now in society.

It isn't about losing the right to give your child a tap on the bottom, it is about realising that children are people too.

A Village to Raise a Child

2008-08-14T15:56:00.001-07:00

I visit many parenting forums and chat a lot with mums from all walks of life and something I have noticed is the problems with extended family support.

Almost every site has the discussion regularly on how unsupportive the in laws are. Either they are very rude to the daughter-in-law, or interfering in parenting choices, or showing complete lack of interest in the children.. the list could go on.

This made me wonder what is behind this seemingly huge problem. What is it in society that has lead to the development of such poor relationships? And it is a huge problem. It does take a village to raise a child, and increasingly it seems that our villages are being reduced to immediate family only. This at the same time as there are huge issues with PND, increases in difficult births (over 40% of first time births end in Cesarean) which means a longer recovery time, tightening belt buckles with the economy in trouble meaning more primary caregivers are having to consider working. Again, the list could go on!

I consider myself lucky to have a positive relationship with my in laws. Yes, there is always going to be some squeezing of the lips shut, biting back retorts to the throwaway comments the MIl gives as she sees how different bringing up a baby is today, but it is worth it to keep the peace in what is pretty much an excellent relationship.

So what makes my in laws different to some of the horror stories out there? I think it is in part to do with the fact that they are both still working and enjoying their work. It helps that my MIL thinks that she was a barely adequate mother (she was wonderful!) so doesn't feel she has anything to offer me other than support (that means no advice, bliss!) They are also very much a happy couple who still spend a lot of time together, very secure in their relationships.

Is the secret to becoming a good in law (for if we are mothers, then most of us will be in that role some day) making sure that your life and relationships are full? I think it is.

Maybe if you are having problems with your in laws, think about what is behind that problem, what is making them controlling/vindictive/ unsupportive/disinterested etc and acknowledge that they are a creation of their experiences even if just to yourself. Also realise that time moves on and things change, but that doesn't make their experiences invalid, you can learn a lot by looking at what was done in the past and knowing that you Will/will not do it in the future. Hopefully doing that means that when it is your turn, you won't repeat the same mistakes of your in laws.

Child of our Time

2008-06-13T23:17:00.000-07:00

The other night I watched the first episode of the latest series of Child of our Time on TV one. It was looking primarily at the 'Gender Divide'. It considered things like marketing to children, body image, values and how these differed between the 8 year old boys and girls.

Like all of this series, it was very interesting to see the children's perspectives on things. It was heartening to see the girls choose health and kindness as the most important values - and amusing to see the boys choose being rich.

However, I was very disturbed by the negative self image many of the girls already had. Shown 8 different body types in increasing size, all the children selected a smaller body size than their own as ideal, and most chose a much larger one to illustrate their perceptions of their own bodies. Remember, these were 8 year olds. (I do have to mention that the 8 year old boys were choosing things randomly, like the 'fat' one because then they could bash people, there was total disinterest in this exercise).

One child in particular was in tears at least twice in the programme at the idea of being fat - fat people are unliked, mean and not good friends apparently.

It was interesting that the Bratz dolls one child played with was behind some of the feelings - although the little girl would love to wear the clothes her doll does, she couldn't because she is too fat. I have long had a dislike of these dolls and others like it as I have believed that they encourage that sort of feeling. It was good to see proof that I was right with my instincts, though I would prefer to be proven wrong when it means one little girl has obvious self image issues because of it.

In the series there is one little boy whose parents have gone out of their way to raise their children without obvious gender stereotypes. The toys are shared, the parents share roles and there is obvious equality. It was so pleasing to see that it does work - the little boy chose the same values as the girls and throughout his time on screen seemed well balanced and sensitive to others, very different to his peers.

This programme raised many issues for me, as the parent to a girl. I want my daughter to grow up believing that she can do pretty much whatever she wants in the world, while remaining compassionate towards others. I want her to love herself, no matter which genes she has inherited for her physical makeup. Most of all, I want her to be happy.

For me, this programme reassured me that my instincts in parenting in some areas are spot on. There will be no Bratz dolls or similar here (though I might be OK with Barbie type dolls, after all, I had them!) and I will attempt to minimise exposure to music videos (another big issue for the children in the show). Most of all, I will continue to do my best to develop my daughters self belief, so that she can be the best her that she can be.

Mother Wars

2008-06-10T00:55:00.001-07:00

What is it about motherhood that brings out the worst in so many?

You have:
breast versus bottle
extended feeding vs weaning
SAHM vs working mums
MCN vs disposable usage
CIO vs responding to every cry

Obviously most people have a way of parenting in these areas that they have chosen. Often, in the case of some of the choices perceived as more alternative, there is a belief and values system that underpins it. For example, I know many people who use modern cloth nappies (MCN) because they see it as their way of helping with the environmental impact a new baby can have, I really respect that.

But why can't people on one side of the fence see that the people on the other side have their reasons for their choices too. And just because the reasons behind their choices don't match with their own, doesn't make them any less valid or important. It simply makes them different.

A bottle feeder might have many reasons for not breast feeding. They might have had difficulty with milk coming in or with feeding, their baby may have had trouble feeding from the breast, there might be a deeper reason behind their choice including previous sexual abuse. Imagine asking someone why they chose to bottle feed their baby and getting a response regarding sexual abuse. Imagine how bad that would make you feel - now imagine what it would be like to be that person constantly facing judgement for a choice they have made for a very good reason, and a very personal reason.

Everyone wants to convert people to their way of thinking, especially if they feel they have experienced an epiphany. I know that I am a breast feeder extraordinaire these days - funny, as prior to giving birth I always said I would give it a go but not push it if it became too hard (well, i had to pump after every feed for weeks and had the bleeding cracked nipples and I still kept going - but that was right for me, I don't need a mother of the year award). But where does that pressure end?

Information is power. It is very important that choices that people make are as informed as possible. So if you have a cause that you want to push, give information, not judgement. I hope that is what I do with the things i am passionate about.

Some days it seems that we have enough to fight without fighting each other.

First Sickness

2008-04-22T22:46:00.000-07:00

Lily has just got over her first serious bug. I thought that she had vomited before - but no, until you see a tummy bug spew you have not seen baby vomit.

Of course it occurred with brilliant timing - my husband had to spend the weekend (day and night) at a continuous cricket game aiming for a world record (which they achieved), so I was home alone.

Fortunately, there was only one day where Lily was very clingy with the bug. We basically spent that day lying on the couch with her snuggled up with me. Actually, it was kind of nice as she is usually far too much into everything to snuggle. I did have to change my clothes twice, but that is all part of the job!

The next three days were much better. She would spew, then zoom around the room happily. No more nice cuddles for me!

I took her to the doctor on the first day of the bug, just to rule everything else out (although friends had had the bug so I knew what it was). Which got me thinking about how great my doctor is. I have yet to be unable to see a doctor at my doctor's practice whenever I need to. And if my usual doctor is unavailable, then I can get in to see one of the others. They also do not charge at all for under 5's.

I think it is really important that people feel they can take their children to the doctor whenever they need to. I believe that places that can't give appointments on the day you call, or charge for under 5's create increased illness and children slipping through cracks.

There seems to be plenty of places out there that don't charge, so I wonder why people continue to see doctors that do. And why some doctors need to charge and others don't?

My advice would be to check if your GP charges for under 5's, check if they keep slots free for emergency visits and what constitutes an emergency/late notice visit and if you are not happy, look at other clinics.

Working and Breastfeeding

2008-03-23T17:30:00.000-07:00

There was an interesting article in the Herald today, discussing a law change which will force employers to provide facilities and breaks for breastfeeding mothers.

Labour Minister Trevor Mallard said yesterday all employers would be required to provide breastfeeding breaks and set aside appropriate facilities, where reasonable and practicable.

This part concerns me - how easy is it going to be for a work place to say - oh no, sorry, not reasonable or practicable to have that set up here. I am a teacher when working, and I would almost guarantee that most, if not all, schools would argue that they cannot (a) find room for a woman to feed/express in relative private; or (b) cover breaks that fall outside the normal daily school breaks. Certainly I would expect there to be complaining around how unfair it is that breast feeding mothers do not have to do playground duty as they are expressing/feeding. Breaks would be unable to be lengthened to allow mothers to whip down the road to the child's care place as there are 30 children waiting for their teacher to return.

I have a friend who is a lawyer and is returning to work later this year, when their child is around 7 months old. They will be able to continue feeding if she chooses, due to the nature of the job. The daycare is nearby and she has the power to choose when she takes breaks and for how long, within reason, without any change to the law.

Isn't it somewhat ironic that a so called 'parent friendly' job like teaching will be unable to support the new law like other professions? And what could be a way to enable them to support breastfeeding continuation?

Don't get me wrong, I completely support any changes that make the workplace more mother/child friendly. I just feel that laws like this are somewhat naive in thinking that it will go beyond the people who already have better conditions than others.

Dr Judith Galtry points this out:
"The people this provision will help will be those who have clout in the workplace and whose employers don't want to lose them. People working in the biscuit factory or as night-shift cleaners are going to find it hard to get that right."

And not just the real blue collar workers either. If I can instantly see problems with teaching, a huge employer of women, there must be thousands more women in jobs that the law change will not make the blind bit of difference to, and as usual, the women that need support the most will be the ones least likely to have positive change.

Formula Debate

2008-03-10T20:30:00.000-07:00

Before I get started I want to make it clear that I do not have any problem with people who need to use formula for whatever reason. I do not even have a problem with people who choose to use formula for any reason, so long as it is an informed choice, made with the knowledge of the difference between breast milk and formula. This is not intended to beat up those mums at all (but I will look at mummy wars in postings to come).

Lily is now a little over 8 months old and I continue to breastfeed. It is easy - free (bonus for a SAHM) and works well for us.

What I am finding interesting is that breastfeeding support follows something like this:

Pre-birth: 'Oh you are going to breast feed, aren't you, it is the best for the baby...'

Birth: 'It is so great that you are giving breast feeding a good go, it is the best for the baby...'

3 months: 'Great that breast feeding is working so well for you, it is the best for the baby. So, when do you think you might introduce a bottle - it will help baby sleep through, give you a break...'

6 months: 'Wow, you have been so good with breastfeeding. So when are you going to start weaning?'

8 months: 'Oh, still feeding then, will you stop at a year?

1 year: *uncomfortable silence*

Why does this happen? Why is it great to start feeding your baby, but then have to move onto a formula so that other people feel comfortable? And why do some people feel uncomfortable about such a thing anyway?

For the record, I used to think it was a bit icky when people fed past 2 years. I still don't think it is a choice i would make, but now I can see why they might choose to feed. Not to mention the longer you feed, the better the health benefits are for the mother!

I think that it is no coincidence that the general societal acceptance of weaning onto formula at around 6 months occurs at the same time that formula is allowed to be advertised. Currently formula companies cannot advertise new born products. Most maternity carers are very limited in the information they give so they can push breast feeding. That means that many people who need advice on formula early on, when their milk supply is low or non existent for example, cannot access information easily.

Then at 6 months they suddenly come out of the woodwork - ta da! Formula time! So it becomes more normal to give formula than to breastfeed.

There is even an ad for a 'follow-on' formula for babies over a year - so you can be sure as to give your child all the nutrients they need.

Perhaps their parents haven't heard of food? You know, vegetables and fruit and well balanced meals? Why are they guilting parents into getting something they don't actually need?

So, next time you see someone feeding past 6 months, a year, 2 years... stop and think about why you feel the way you do, especially if it is negative. Chances are that the feelings are created by advertising, rather than from something you really believe.

Sleeping, sleeping, sleeping.

2008-03-08T22:57:00.000-08:00

Well after such a long break, it seems best to return to the most recent topic. Sleeping. Ah, dear to my heart indeed!

We have had success here - Lily is now sleeping through the night from around 7.30 pm till 6.30 am, with a feed at 10.30 pm and a brief wake up around 5 am where I resettle her. The wake up is due to her new skill of crawling - she prefers to sleep on her tummy now but when she wakes in the early hours of the morning to find herself on her tummy, she forgets that she can get back to her back by herself. So in I trek, flip her back and off to sleep she goes.

Every now and then she doesn't wake at 5, and that means a longer stretch for me - bliss! Of course it took ages for me to sleep through - i keep waking, expecting her to wake and would lie there trying to hear her. That has stopped now, thankfully.

The key for us was getting to the end of a tether! After trying to settle her for 45 minutes at 1 am one night, I decided I had enough! So I put her into bed and left her to it, popping back in every 5 to 10 minutes to put her back on her back and giving her a pat. Within 30 minutes she was down to intermittent grizzling, then by 40 minutes she was asleep! Less time than I had just spent rocking her!

So further to my post on doing what is right for you, I really want people to know that you will probably know when you can change things without getting upset.

Trying to settle Lily this way any earlier would have been too traumatic for us all and would have failed. But this was the right time - and I just knew. Night 2 she resettled in about 10 minutes, night 3 it was about 5 - and now she goes off to sleep each night happy, even on those nights you would swear she was wide awake!

We do still have to pop her on her back at times, but as she gets better with crawling, she learns how to do this herself.

I know the reason this was so successful was the nights spent stretching her out beforehand (as discussed in the previous entry), so it wasn't too much of a shock to the system.

Of course now I actually sometimes miss those snuggly middle of the night feeds where you feel like the only 2 people alive. You can't win really, can you!

Getting Babies to Sleep

2008-01-22T22:58:00.001-08:00

Now this is an issue close to every mother's heart: how do I get my baby to sleep?

I am afraid that I don't have the answer either, though I will share various tips I have learnt by reading and doing.

The first thing I have learnt is that you will not set yourself up for a lifetime of misery by feeding baby to sleep sometimes (or even often in the early days), or by rocking the to sleep, or cuddling them even. While I know that bad habits can develop (no one wants to have to rock their baby to sleep for the next five years for sure), they can be broken quite quickly once you personally have the time and energy to devote to it.

Early on Lily did a few nights sleeping through, then a few more, until she was giving us a minimum of 8 hours at a little over 3 months. Ah - what bliss! Sadly it lasted for maybe 3 weeks max, and we returned to broken sleep yet again - and we still have it.

I do find the adage of 'good day sleep = good night sleep' is true here. When she can't settle to day sleep and is grumpy during the day, we will have more wake ups that night. So having some days at home to ensure sleep routines are followed is important. I found that out the hard way when I had a couple of exceptionally busy weeks and Lily responded by refusing to fall asleep unaided for any naps. One week at home (except for coffee group!) fixed that and she was back into falling asleep herself.

From the beginning I tried to get Lily to fall asleep by herself, and I admit, I worried when I had to help her out. I soon got over that when I realised that worse than a baby who you have to help to fall asleep is a baby who is overtired and has NO show of falling asleep easily, then once asleep will wake up far too soon. It is far easier to start changing habits in a baby who is well rested than one that needs to catch up on a lot of missed sleep.

CIO = crying it out. This term inspires massive debate and some people can get very aggressive on both sides. Basically, some believe that leaving a baby to cry raised their stress levels (cortisol levels) which damages the baby in the future. Other people believe that going in to a child every time they cry is setting you up as their slave.

Personally - do what works for you. I couldn't do CIO with Lily - she has an on and off switch unless it is grizzling so would scream for hours and I am not prepared to do that. But then some mothers are so sleep deprived that they are in danger, mentally, that unless they get some sleep things could go horribly wrong and CIO might be the only way to fix it. Again I say - use what works for you, and don't let others make you feel guilty if you know that you are doing what you and your family need.

The same applies for co-sleeping - if you have minimised the risks (no drinking/drugs/smoking etc) and baby is safe in with you and it works for you - then don't let others make you feel bad about your choice!

Sometimes babies will chat away in bed for a while, or grizzle or even give a little cry before falling asleep. It pays not to react instantly to every sound. Also, the mum going in can sometimes make them think they are going to feed. If you are breastfeeding then you can smell of milk - even if they are not hungry they might want the comfort of a feed. If possible send a partner or relative in to try and settle them before you go.

We are currently trying to stretch Lily at night by not feeding her straight away when she wakes. My husband gets up and tries to soothe her, if she isn't asleep within 15 minutes then i will get up and feed her. We have gone from waking 3-4 hours to a 6 hour stretch last night. i will let you know how this continues over the next few nights and may elaborate more.

In summary!

1. Don't panic if you are doing everything 'wrong' according to other sleep places, you can change what you are doing once you feel up to it.
2. Time at home is important, don't go out every day every week and expect your baby to be getting good day sleep.
3. It is easier to change sleep habits in a well rested baby than one that is overtired.
4. Use techniques that work for you and don't let other people guilt you.
5. try to enlist other people into helping settle baby so you don't have to do it everytime.

I'm Back! After the festive season...

2008-01-20T21:45:00.001-08:00

Well it has been a very busy time of the year and I have been very quiet. I am sure that everyone else was busy too, so you probably didn't miss me anyway!

Christmas and New Years have been and gone, and my daughter has been through her first Christmas. It was great fun, as you would expect. But I think we are extra fortunate in that I only had to visit one family group on Christmas day. Plus they provide everything and give us a wonderful day.

I have heard from friends who have had to travel from one family to another, covering an insane amount of kilometres. Some have to travel for a couple of hours in each direction just to satisfy everyone. I cannot begin to imagine doing that at all, let alone with one or more children in the car.

Is there not a better way? I know some people who have Christmas Eve with one side of the family, then Christmas Day with the other. Or maybe Boxing Day instead of Christmas Eve. Even so, that is a lot of travelling.

I remember when I was young we would all meet at my grandparents for Christmas Day, a whole heap of us, step-families and all, and celebrate together. They were wonderful days as my Grandparents lived in the country, so there was a bit of room and if you really wanted to be alone, you could find peace somewhere.

It also meant there were cousins to play with instead of mere siblings, once all the grown ups fell asleep, stomachs full of food and brains scrambled by a combination of the Queens message and a few glasses of wine or beer.

Things like this seem less common these days, almost like both sides of the family want to put their claim on the younger generations. If we hark back to the favourite saying that it takes a village to raise a child, why can't the village get together and celebrate as one, instead of creating opposing tribes stretching families between them.

Just a thought.

Isolation

2007-12-21T22:51:00.000-08:00

I hadn't really felt the isolation that other mothers talk about until last week. It was interesting to experience it, so I thought I would share.

Last Monday was my birthday. I am, by my own admission, a pretty 'look at me, look at me' kind of person. Usually my birthday was either celebrated on a school day, which meant many children, parents and colleagues wishing me happy birthday, or on a weekend day, which meant my husband spoiling me.

One year while I was teaching the children in my class organised with their parents to throw me a surprise birthday party. Not bad for 7 and 8 year olds! Another year we had our end of year shared lunch on the day, and the children all made cards for me. So I am pretty used to having my birthday acknowledged by many, which I love.

This year was very strange. I woke and fed Lily in the early hours of the morning. Then my husband woke to get ready for work at 6am. He gave me my birthday card (my present had been given already, a magazine subscription as requested), then went off to get ready for his day. I fell asleep again (hey, it is hard having a couple of wake ups in the night!) He gave me a kiss when he left and that was it - my day was ahead of me.

If I hadn't planned to meet my best friend for lunch, I could have spent the whole day at home, speaking to no one. That was a strange realisation for someone like me. I had heaps of online best wishes - facebook, the forums I visit, emails. And those friends are awesome, but it was different to usual, which takes some adjusting.

So what I have learnt: it is really important on days like your birthday to ensure that you have something organised. If you usually spend it alone then it probably won't matter. But if it is normally quite a special day, spending it at home going about the daily routine with your child has the potential to be quite isolating, no matter how much you enjoy your life at home with your child.

There are wider implications - social people in working life need to make sure that they have networks around their child that will enable them to stay social. Ante natal classes can lead to coffee groups, you can make friends through plunket coffee groups and parenting classes. There is always playcentre or local playgroups if the others don't come up with some regular groups.

I really believe that if you are prepared to have time alone you will be better for it. Your life does change, that is inevitable, but how it changes is up to how you prepare for the differences.

Judging Mothers

2007-12-14T18:01:00.001-08:00

I read an article today in the Weekend Herald about a book by Brett Paesel. It sounded interesting enough, but there was one passage by the journalist writing the article that really stood out to me. I wish I had written it myself. I will replicate it here:

Nothing provokes us like motherhood. Nothing divides us quite as violently. Mothers are perceived to onhabit a separate world from non-mothers, a world that's subject to stringent regulation, to harsh judgement, and to close scrutiny by the state, by the media, by the neighbours. We judge mothers constantly - the ones we know, the ones we don't. We judge them on how harshly the do or don't reprimand their children in supermarkets and on buses. We judge themon how much tv we theing they let their children watch, on the kind of food we think they feed them; on how much they swear in front of them; and how flagrantly they use their BlackBerries. We judge them on the name they've burdened their kids with, on the toys they let them have, on the tastes they encourage in the. We judge them for the way the dress their kids, and the way they cut their hair; we judge them on their bugaboos... (Polly Vernon)

Isn't that just the best truth you have read for ages? it really made me think of the ones I am guilty of - for we are all guilty of these things.

But when it comes down to it, which of these is important? And who are we to say how to love your children? Of course we have to act when there is abuse and neglect, but if a child is fed, watered, clothed and housed, surely all that matters then is that they are safe and loved?

Dads are NOT Babysitters!

2007-12-07T16:16:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a night away from Lily and went to a friend's house to hang out for a while - like the pre-baby days! So that meant that Jim was solo at home, and that led me to thinking about the phrase many dads tend to use when looking after their babies - babysitting duties.

Why is it called 'babysitting duties' to look after their own children?

Am I on daily babysitting duties then?

If so, when do I get my paycheck for it?

Why is if called parenting when I am at home solo and he is out, but not when the other way around? (I am talking about societal naming here, not my poor hubby, he is awesome at looking after Lily!)

I think that it is phrases like this that effect the standing of 'mums' in society. It is an acceptance of parenting being non-equal. I believe we should think carefully about some of the language we use around children and families as it is almost self-defeating in its negative connotations (even stay at home mum implies a soap watching woman, not the very busy people most SAHM's are!)

So next time you have some time out from the continuous care of children, don't let your other half say they are on babysitting duties, give them another phrase instead:
- parenting alone
- flying solo
- hanging out with the kids

Any other suggestions?

Who Needs Sleep?

2007-12-04T11:36:00.000-08:00

Just when you think you have it all going well, something happens and the little ratbags change it all again.

Lily slept through quite early on, around the 12 week mark. Of course I didn't sleep through - for weeks I would wake a couple of times in the night and lie there, listening out for the call to feed. It didn't come and I think my body was finally getting used to it - there was one night I didn't wake.

And then it changed. Just like that she went back to wanting a night feed. Gone are my big long stretches even - the longest she manages now is a 7 hour period. Now that is from the start of the feed, not the start of the sleep, so even that isn't a full 7 hours. And not a nightly event either.

It is hard getting used to getting up for that feed again, just when my body had decided to believe that a full nights sleep was on the cards. I am almost feeling more tired now that I did back in the first few weeks! It doesn't help that it is getting harder to fall asleep after a wake up. If my brain isn't whirring around, then it is just hard to get that automatic drift. Boo! I had been loving the breast feeding effect of the quick to sleep hormones.

And of course napping seems less acceptable these days, and less worthwhile. I am never sure how long Lily's day naps are going to last, often they are only 45 minutes, the length of her sleep cycle. I can get a longer stretch from her early afternoon sleep at times, but that means I need to resettle her after the 45 minute wake up, so why bother trying to sleep myself?

Broken sleep is hard work for mums. It would be hard work for dads too, if they were being woken (I know not all do wake). So you have to take care of yourself! For me that does mean an occasional nap, it also means having days at home. I aim for 2 a week, although there are some weeks that I have no full days at home - they mess with both of us!

I used to have insomnia, back before Lily. There would be days of little to no sleep, and I have yet to feel as bad after Lily as I did a few times before. but it does make it harder to stay all 'happy happy joy joy'. So if I have any advice to mums suffering from sleep deprivation, it is to find something that works for you - naps, an hour resting, lying down with a book (NOT an overdose on caffeine if you are breast feeding, that can keep you baby awake when you really need to be asleep), a quiet day at home, some time for yourself when someone else is looking after baby. Find it and treasure it, because the home cannot function when the mother isn't functioning!

A thought about Real Mums

2007-11-21T14:08:00.000-08:00

Someone posted this on a forum I frequent, she had recieved it as an email. I decided to post it here as I think that it sums up what I believe so well. We are all real mums, what makes us a real mum is love.

This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up spew saying 'It's all right honey, Mummy's here.' Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying Babies who can't be comforted. This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and nappies in their hand bags.This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes. And for the mothers who lost their baby in that precious 9 months that they will never get to watch grow on earth but one day will be reunited with in Heaven!

This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors. And for all the mothers who froze their bums on metal stands at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars, so that when their kids asked, 'Did you see me, Mum?' they could say, 'Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world,' and mean it.This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the shops and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens.This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the (grand) mothers who wanted to, but just couldn't find the words.

This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can eat. For all the mothers who read 'Goodnight, Moon' twice a night for a year. And then read it again. 'Just one more time.'This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead. This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to play footy.This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls 'Mum?' in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home -- or even away at uni.

This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only to get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up. Right away!This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach them. For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when their 14year-olds dye their hair green. This is for all the step-mothers who raised another woman's child or children, and gave their time, attention, and love... Sometimes totally unappreciated!For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the shooting. For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war.What makes a good Mother anyway? Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse a baby, cooks dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time? Or is it in herheart? Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time? The jolt that takes you from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. To put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby? The panic, years later, that comes again at 2am when you just want to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in your home? Or the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are for young mothers stumbling through nappy changes and sleep deprivation...And mature mothers learning to let go. For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers. Single mothers and married mothers. Mothers with money, mothers without.This is for you all. For all of us. Hang in there. In the end we can only do the best we can. Tell them every day that we love them. 'Home is what catches you when you fall - and we all fall'.

Oh so tired...

2007-11-11T18:33:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in a few days because it has been one of those weeks where you are just so lacking in energy. Funny thing is that the more Lily sleeps, the more tired I feel - what is that about?

It makes it pretty hard to get things done when you have no motivation and no energy. So I pretty much did nothing all week! I stuck to looking after Lily and heading out to all our different things we had on (now that in itself will make for an interesting post). I achieved nothing at home, although I may have emptied the dishwasher... anyway, did it matter? No! Did the world fall down around me? No!

So mums out there, if you are tired, REST! Don't drive yourself into the ground because that will achieve nothing!

Of course I am still tired today, but thanks to Jim taking care of all the washing and the vacuuming yesterday, I can still concentrate on Lily - yay! And I had just enough energy left over to post this.

Birth Story - part 3

2007-11-04T17:02:00.000-08:00

Because of the heart rate dipping with pushing, they had to check that she was ok, so that meant drawing blood from bubs scalp to check lactic acid levels. They showed she was ok, so they let me push more. Another hour of pushing and what do you know? Nothing. She would come down a little, then go straight back up. They could tell (somehow? They are clever) that she was OP and chin up, so in the worst position (other than breech) with her head at the biggest size she could possibly make it.

It was decided that she was getting too stressed, and another blood test showed an increase in lactic acid levels. This, along with no descent from 1 3/4 hours pushing, and an accelerated heart rate meant that they needed to look at getting her out quicker.

It was decided to try an assisted delivery using ventouse, then maybe forceps if the ventouse got her down far enough. If that didn’t work then I would have to have a cesarean section. I was prepped for surgery. This meant turning my partial epi into a full block – bizarrely you lose all feeling in your legs. There were loads of people coming to see me from the surgery team, they really explained everything and the order it would happen in well and I had to sign consent. Even so things moved fairly fast. Jim had to go change into operating theatre clothes – very cool! He felt like something out of Grey’s anatomy, which was further enhanced by the relative youth of the surgical team.

I went into the surgery room and had to be moved onto the surgery bed – fun! They had to roll me onto the board thing, shift me to the bed and roll me off. I giggled a lot at this as I found it really amusing for some weird reason! They put your arms out like a starfish and legs up in stirrups, which was fine. Then they tried the ventouse to get her out – you have to push when they feel the contractions coming, though you can’t feel a thing.

No deal. She wasn’t interested in coming out that way so after 3 goes it was abandoned and I was prepared for surgery. The whole time the staff talked to me and introduced themselves if they were new. I felt really, really safe and Jim felt that I was in great hands. As it was now bang on 10 pm, there was a changeover in some staff, but even that didn’t feel alarming at all, due to the professionalism of the team.

They don’t put up a screen to shield the site from view, though I couldn’t see anything as the bed is tilted and you are lying flat anyway. They cut into me and began the job to get bubs out. You don’t feel any pain, but you do feel tugging and pushing and pulling. It is a weird sensation, that’s for sure. I have read up on the procedure so I know what they did, but you have no idea what is going on, then all of a sudden they will say something so you do know. In my case it was something along the lines of ‘That is a big head; there is no way that was going to come out any other way!’

So, at 10.28pm, Lily was officially born! 3910 gm (8lb 10 oz), 51 cm long with a head circumference of 36 cm. She tested a 9 on the Apgar immediately, so that was all good. Jim went off with Lily to the other part of the room where they do all the checking of everything – I presume she was suctioned as there is no other way to remove the mucous for a c-section bubs to get breathing sorted. I knew she was fine as I could hear her – certainly nothing wrong with those lungs! Jim cut the cord and once Lily was sorted out he got to hold her. They brought her round for me to have a look at her before this though, so that was nice.

Meanwhile they started the much longer part of the operation – sewing me back up! This was more uncomfortable than the first part. It wasn’t helped by the fact the epi started to wear off on one side – the side they were doing all the tugging and pushing on. (I have always processed anaesthetic and stuff like that quickly). So they had to top up my epi, and while that was waiting to take effect they gave me the gas – OMG – fun! I really enjoyed the few minutes I had on the gas, it was a great feeling! I can see how it would help in a natural birth too. They inserted a drain just above the wound site – apparently I bled more than usual during the operation, but not enough to need a transfusion. The wound was sealed with staples – rather bizarre but effective it would seem.

Finally they finished everything and we were taken to recovery. While there they latched Lily on for a feed – she had no problem sucking or anything and was very alert, showing no signs of anything from the drugs I had to have for the operation. They also checked for the block to be wearing off, as I had had extra they thought it would take a while, but no, it was already moving down the body (told you I was efficient at metabolising the stuff!) By now it was about midnight, or just before. A pethidine self administered drug thing was attached to the epidural site for pain management.

From recovery we were taken to our own room. There I was monitored every half hour (BP, pulse, alertness etc). Jim and my friend went home about 1am. Lily was kept in bed with me, which I felt fine about as they wedged her in with pillows and stuff so she couldn’t fall out. At about 4 am they got me up and I walked around – got to brush my teeth and my hair, both needed it! It wasn’t too hard walking as the pain killers are pretty strong – of course as I had been lying down I had not been using the pethidine, so the trip back to the bed was pretty sore and I pumped away at the pethidine for the next hour (you can only use it every 20 minutes) to get a base level back. The most awkward thing was managing all my bits and bobs – the pain box, the catheter and the drain container!

So that was the long tale of how Lily finally got out – hope it didn’t send you to sleep (unless you have a newborn, in which case you need all the sleep you can get so you should be thanking me!)

Birth Story - part 2

2007-11-03T14:24:00.000-07:00

Day 2 – 2nd July 2007

Another internal in the morning found that while things were looking (or feeling) better, they felt more gel would be the go. So more gel, another stretch and sweep and another morning of waiting. The tightenings returned although not as strongly as the previous afternoon and evening.

The afternoon exam showed that the gel had not had a huge effect, so it was decided to rupture the membranes. They do it with this long plastic crochet hook – a really bizarre looking thing. It didn’t hurt, though like all things in that area, it was uncomfortable. No gush or anything, there was very little fluid that came out.

My MW arrived and I was walked to the birthing suite (around 3 pm). I settled in there with the monitor attached to my tummy meaning no more movement allowed. The drip and fluids were inserted into the thing in my hand (finally it was getting used! This is good as it was the most uncomfortable part previously.) Well that syntocin really, really works and works fast. I went from nothing worse than a tightening similar to period pain to full on 2-3 minute apart contractions instantly. Oh. My. God. I am so pleased that we had already arranged for the nice epidural man to come and see me as soon as he was free. Not being able to move due to monitoring meant that I had no way to cope with the pain.

I had about 3 or 4 contractions before the epi man showed up. They were just awful. Going from nothing to full blown was a huge shock to my body. I went from normal to breaking out in a huge sweat and feeling a huge amount of pain in a matter of seconds. If anyone has the syntocin and does it without any pain killers, my hat off to them as it was the worst pain ever.

Anyway, the epi man arrived and began preparing me for it. They give it to you sitting up on the side of the bed, slouched forward. I had one contraction in the middle of it and the difference in pain from the ones I had lying down to the one I had sitting was substantial – shows how important movement and gravity is if you can use it. I know they say it can take time for the epi to work, but it didn’t seem to take that long at all. It also did not hurt at all going in. You feel the local, sure, but that is just a needle. The epi itself is not bad at all. You kind of feel it graunching against bone while they get into the right place, but it isn’t uncomfortable.

Anyway, the epi worked and slowly the severity of the pain began to subside. It isn’t a full block so you can still feel the contractions, which is very reassuring. They also changed the monitoring from external to internal – not so nice for bubs to have things shoved in her scalp, but more efficient for seeing what is really happening. One side effect of the epi started around now, I started shivering, though not constantly (yet!)

Meanwhile the trace (fancy name for monitoring) showed that bubs heart rate was pretty high, so they tried to fix that by getting me to lie on my side. It didn’t really help, so an obstetrician was called in to check things out. It was found that I was fully dilated (about 2-3 hours from membrane rupture) so he decided I could push. So for the next 45 minutes I pushed about every 1-2 minutes, 3 pushes each contraction. Nothing happened. She didn’t move at all.

Birth Story

2007-11-02T21:02:00.000-07:00

Thought I should post my birth story. Of course it is mega long, so I won't do it all at once.

Day One
It all began at 7.30 am on Sunday the 1st July, 2007. We went into WAU (womens's assessment unit) at Auckland Hospital for an induction. Somewhat naively we anticipated holding our baby by that night…it was not to be quite that way.

I had an examination which found that my cervix, while perhaps 1 or 2 cm dilated, was still really long, so they were unable to do anything other than insert gel at that stage. They also prepared the lure (I think that is what it is called?) in my hand, for any fluids or the syntocin drip they anticipated I would need. Gel was inserted and we began the wait. And we waited, and waited and waited. About the only thing to happen was I developed some back pain (oh joy). There weren’t even really any tightenings or anything. So we sat in the room, listening to music, ate, went for walks down to the shops and café (great chai latte and yummy pies), I bounced on the Swiss ball, we read trashy magazines – you get the picture.

Meanwhile they monitored bubs about every hour for 20 minutes to check that there was no distress.

At about 2 pm they did another internal and surprise! Nothing had happened (I could have told them that). So another lot of gel was inserted, and a stretch and sweep performed. This one was a lot more successful. There were lots more tightenings and the wheat pack was really helpful at this time. Otherwise the afternoon was a replay of the morning…

Another VE at around 8pm showed some success- the cervix was shortening – hooray! Unfortunately I had had the total amount of gel I was allowed that day, so it was decided to let me sleep that night and kick things off in the morning. I jumped in the bath for about an hour and a half as the tightenings were still uncomfortable at that time. That was really nice. My friend went home to get some sleep and Jim settled down to sleep in the comfy armchair in the room.

About 2 am I found Jim asleep in the bathroom on the floor – that side effect of pregnancy meant my snores had driven him away! So I sent him home to get some sleep with the promise that nothing was going to happen all of a sudden!

Super Mum!

2007-11-01T13:38:00.000-07:00

Some mornings everything goes so much better than other mornings. Just have to say that today Lily woke just before 7. She also went down about an hour and a quarter later - awake! (Huge improvement on yesterday). While she slept for an hour (through the evil sleep intruder, hooray!) I folded up the washing, put on another load and got that hung out, plus I finally planted the two tomato plants, zucchini and capsicum plants that have been waiting for 2 weeks on the kitchen bench!

Of course I am about to spend the rest of the day at a catch up with friends and their babies, gossiping and eating, but a girl has to have balance in her life!

Bad Mummy

2007-10-31T14:56:00.000-07:00

I was going to post my birth story today, but then I had a rubbish start to the day and I know in my description of this blog I mentioned that Real Mummies make mistakes. So here's one!

Lily woke at 5 for a feed, earlier than usual (after a last feed at 11.30) but she has been a bit funny with feeds lately. I fed her and returned her to bed, hoping for a good stretch and a sleep in for myself. My husband left for work around 7, moving the monitor next to me so I could easily hear Lily when she woke.

I thought I heard her stirring around 8 and said - just one more hour (remind me to get my iron levels checked! I am very tired feeling at the moment even with decent amounts of sleep). Then went back to sleep.

At 9 I thought - yay! I got my extra hour! Then I realised that the monitor had come unplugged and I couldn't hear Lily through it. But I could, if I tried hard, hear her screaming from her room.

I raced down there straight away to get her up and reassure her, she was so upset! I never leave her to scream and I felt just terrible that she had had to go through that. It took quite a while to calm her down too, poor little bubba.

So we have had lots of cuddles to help her (and me!) feel better and she is now napping - thank goodness she went down without a problem after the horrible start to the day. And she certainly seemed very happy once I settled her after getting her up, so hopefully she won't remember how awful it was when in therapy in 20 years time...

See - Real Mummies do make mistakes! Not the first, won't be the last.

Tiger Lily

2007-10-30T18:21:00.000-07:00

Pretty much every mum likes playing dressups with their baby, don't they? I thought I would use the excuse of Halloween to dress Lily up today.

Just a bit cute really.

Sharing Parenting With Your Partner

2007-10-30T01:39:00.001-07:00

I chat with quite a few people on various parenting forums and I have really noticed that for a lot of them a big problem is the involvement - of lack of - of their partners. It seems that so many women are with their children all day, running the house, then do pretty much everything when their partner is home. Oh - some men do the bathing, usually so the woman can cook tea uninterrupted.

Now I know that I am very lucky with my husband, Jim is incredibly supportive and very involved with Lily's life. Part of that I put down to his nature and upbringing, having a hands on father himself. Part of it I put down to the fact he had to do everything straight after the birth as I had an emergency Cesarean section so was confined to doing very little for a while. Part of it I put down to my expectations.

When you have a child and one of you stays home to look after the child, then the child becomes the job. I am a Stay At Home Mum, not a housekeeper. My main role is to look after Lily, some days are easier than others, just like any job. I don't get regular free breaks - I have to take them when I can - and getting to the toilet can take some negotiating, but generally I focus on Lily, with a bit of washing and cooking thrown in.

The way I see it, my hours of work are the same as Jim's. When he is home from work, I am home from work, and we are both involved in parenting our child. There are some things that he can't do of course, as I am breastfeeding, but for everything else is open to both of us to do. And yes, I cook dinner while Jim baths Lily and puts her to bed, but he changes nappies (even the pooey ones!), plays with her, settles her when she gets upset - anything that needs doing.

Mums don't get stats, they don't get weekends off and they don't get 4 paid weeks a year. The least they deserve is the knowledge that when their partner is at home, he (or she) will be as involved in the raising of their children as they are. And if you do have to ask your partner to do something to help out it should be done happily, not with a sigh, a cry of 'but I just got home from work,' or a grumpy mood. Children need both their parents to be involved in their lives - if you have the good fortune to have both parents under one roof then children should know that what they get from their mother they can also get from their father.

Except for breast feeding a-la Meet the Fockers. That is just wrong.

Real SAHM!

2007-10-27T18:35:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it. I would never have thought that I would, but on Thursday last week I became an official Stay-At-Home-Mum.

Lily is nearly 4 months old now and with the end of the year approaching I decided that it was time to make a decision one way or the other. I know my boss was planning staff for next year, so it was quite timely.

I have been teaching for 7 years, in that time I have moved up quite quickly, with my position at the time of going on maternity leave being a senior teacher with a team of 6 other teachers. It was quite a demanding role, in a rather progressive school. I would often work from 7am until 5 or 6 pm, and still have some work to do at home. There were many meetings and a lot of professional development. All very exciting and stimulating when you are passionate about your work, which I was.

And then my passions shifted. This little bundle came into our lives and changed everything. Thinking about putting her into daycare cut at my heart (amusing really, as previously I worked for a daycare that took children from 3 months), and my husband felt the same. (Actually, he was probably even more against the idea than I!) We looked at the money situation (not great, but we can get by for a while) and the decision was made.

So...I visited school, showed off my daughter to the staff and children, then let my boss know that I wasn't coming back. I know I am not irreplaceable, so I wasn't worried about letting them down. Letting them down would be me not telling them of my intentions until the last possible minute. This way they can plan for next years classes and make the best staffing choices they can.

And now I embark on a new adventure. Last week I was a mother on maternity leave. Now I am a real stay-at-home-mum. Quite a change.